Journal Post 07/14/2014

Sunday is here again, I have returned from my typical bi-weekly errands trip. I am a frugal shopper, price matching is what I do best. I am very interested in the coupon craze  but absolutely cannot wrap my mind around it. I am unsure as to why, or if it is just that I am resistant to learn.
I saw something in Walmart today that absolutely warmed my heart. A little boy with down syndrome was with his mom, or some female guardian. I am unsure of how old he was but he was an absolute doll. He was sweet too, all he wanted to do was love on his mom.
I always find myself worrying about these children while I am out somewhere. I am worried that they will be made fun of, or if they have a physical disability like my son, I am worried that they will fall or cry and it would just devastate me. I guess even four years later I still have some hormones running through me. Mom hormones, momones.
I suppose it is a good thing to have, but other times it hinders me. If I am watching the news at work and something comes on about a young child and it is sad, tragic or infuriating I almost always break down in tears. It's as if I can feel the ones who loved the baby’s pain. I hope that I never lose that type of compassion, however I also hope that it doesn’t get so bad that I have to stop watching the news in fear of seeing something like this.

Journal Post 07/13/2014

I am so tired, but I cannot sleep. I think because it is a Saturday night, and I do not have to work in the morning I am either re-energized or I cannot shut my mind off. I hate it when my mind races so much that I can't concentrate on what should be one of the easiest tasks in the world. Why is sleeping such a challenge?
I figured for this blog post I would write as my mind wandered. Letting the thoughts do the writing for me.
I have to get the laundry done tomorrow, Braden's blanket and pillow need to be washed before he heads to daycare on Monday. David is snoring so incredibly loud I think my dog left the room just so he could get some rest too, as now he is laying on the couch next to me. Poor Boots. The kittens are restless, why do cats have to come alive at nighttime? Is this something that is just bred into them. A trait passed down for many thousands of years. Their big cat cousins  that live in the jungles sure do come alive at night. For some reason that is the first thing that comes to my mind when I walk outside at night, our house is so vastly surrounded by nothing but forest, it's almost a little nerve racking to think there could be eyes on you, as I walk to my car or step out for a quick indulgence of a cigarette. I feel like that is what I should be doing now, instead of writing, but I push through the urge. It is time that I gave up the habit. I gave it up for the entire nine months of my pregnancy with Braden and while he was breast fed, but temptation got the best of me after that time. I absolutely cannot stand to see women who are pregnant drinking or smoking. It is absolutely disgusting to me, how could you have such disregard for a human life you are growing. I hate to end on that note but I have frustrated myself thinking about the poor excuses for human life that roam this earth, stealing all of our air.

Journal Post 07/12/2014

It is finally the weekend, but a sad one. A family member passed away and although we were not close. It is always so sad to see the family who was and their mourning. I have always been so sensitive to other people's pain or even happiness. I see tears and I usually am crying with them. I think that is why my patients feel so comfortable with me. The absolute finest moments of my job are when patients get off our table after having a procedure done and they break down in tears because they are finally pain free. That's a moment I live and cry in. These poor people (who are usually elderly) have lived years and years without ever knowing this kind of alternative treatment exists, and when that pain finally comes to an end it is absolutely overwhelming for them. They couldn't remember the last time they were able to roll out of bed without excruciating pain. It is truly a transformation and it is not just physical, it is also emotional and I can't help but share that emotional journey with them. I usually end our session in the room with a tear filled hug and my heart is full. I just wish that every patient would have that same result. Some people's disease is so far progressed the injections the doctors do just don't touch the sever pain these people are living with, sometimes surgery is the only option and other times in that situation there is just nothing anyone can do but try to control the pain with medication. Of course this is no real quality of life, but it does help these people live the rest of their days, whether that is long or short amount of time, without the severe pain that is so bad they don't want to live.

Journal Post 07/11/2014

This day feels as if it may never end! How many days have I had in life like this one, I feel as though I am wishing away all of my days; and yet I nearly cry to think of how fast my son is growing. I wish he would stop, so he could be my little baby for the rest of time. It is a bittersweet moment for any mother to see their children grow up. You miss the way they depend on you for everything, yet you grow so proud of the individuals they become. I am very nervous for him to start school, because of his short leg and prosthetic brace, I hope that the other children will refrain from making fun of him. I don't know that my heart could take it. I already kid angry inside when parents stare relentlessly at his leg while we are in grocery stores. Some days I tolerate it better than others. My poor husband however is so protective of his family and when people can't resist being blatantly rude, he lets them know about it. I smile on the inside to see him take such a loving place for my son. He didn't have to take Braden in 4 years ago, but he did without question. If every woman had a man like my husband, there would be no divorces. Everyone would be married to their soul mate. I love this man so very much. He works so hard and is such an inspiration. I am a very lucky wife and mother.

Journal Post 07/10/2014

What if there was no pain in the world? I ask myself these questions all too often. I wonder why God created pain? Is it to remind us of the gifts we have, I just don't know. What I do know is that there are so many different forms of pain, it is almost unrealistic. The pain that some people feel on a daily basis just breaks my heart. I wouldn't wish chronic pain on my worst enemy...OK well maybe my absolute worst enemy. In general however it is such a tragedy for someone to suffer on a daily basis with some sort of pain interrupting their days. We see a lot of patients at work who have some type of physical pain, but living with their unbearable pain causes them emotional pain. They have no idea how they are suppose to cope with their constant debilitating pain. Who could blame them? Can you imagine not being able to walk to your own mailbox because you had so much pain in your back and legs taking the ten steps is literally physically impossible? To rely on someone else for every little thing in life you use to do without batting an eye. It doesn't matter your age any type of pain is not fun, but I ask people to look at the glass half full, because it could always be worse. I have seen the worse and it is heart breaking. These individuals don't want to live anymore. They want to throw in the towel.

Journal Post 07/09/2014

What a terrible scare we had today. My son was playing in the yard and I was closely watching. Out of the corner of my peripheral vision I see something moving towards Braden. I quickly look over to focus my eyes on the object and realize I am staring at a small copperhead. Copperhead snakes are extremely venomous and popular in this area. Typically copperheads will not advance towards people unless they feel threatened or trapped. I don’t think his intention was to harm my son, but I wasn’t about to risk it. I grabbed my gardening spear and ran to the snake. My heart nearly exploded when the snake struck at me but it quickly turned and rerouted back towards the woods. I didn’t feel comfortable enough to get close enough to throw the spear at the snake. In my own fear that I would miss and irritate him further, so I retreated to Braden and scooped him up. I took him inside and interrogated him to make sure he had not been bit. Although I was almost certain he had not, the thought was still so real in my mind that if I hadn’t been watching the outcome could have been very grim. I don’t know what I would do without my son. I have asked myself that question a thousand times, just out of sheer fear of anything ever happening to him. I don’t know that I could live know it would be forever without him.

Journal Post 07/08/2014

This will be my frustration journal. I am so tired of working amongst a group of people who work harder to not work than to just work at all. I am absolutely sick and tired of my boss dumping every possible assignment on me and then reprimanding me because I have one hour of overtime. Things used to be different here, I used to love every single day I was able to come to work. Then my manager changed. At first I was excited because as much as I loved my boss, I thought it was time for a change. This new boss seemed like she had all her ducks in a row and was a bulldog for her team, and she is, but I never in my life have witnessed someone so two-faced in all my time working. This woman does not know how to delegate fairly, nor does she want to. I am her pawn in the game of life and she is absolutely ok with that. However I am not, I know I am in school to better myself, but right now my biggest motivation is to get out of the department I once loved so very much. I remember when I started here, there was a lot of work to be done and we were very much understaffed. I didn’t mind, in the blink of an eye I would work 16 hours to ensure that all the work was done for the following day. All I have left now of those days are memories. I hope one day, I can find another position much like the one I loved so very much six years ago.