Journal Post 07/11/2014

This day feels as if it may never end! How many days have I had in life like this one, I feel as though I am wishing away all of my days; and yet I nearly cry to think of how fast my son is growing. I wish he would stop, so he could be my little baby for the rest of time. It is a bittersweet moment for any mother to see their children grow up. You miss the way they depend on you for everything, yet you grow so proud of the individuals they become. I am very nervous for him to start school, because of his short leg and prosthetic brace, I hope that the other children will refrain from making fun of him. I don't know that my heart could take it. I already kid angry inside when parents stare relentlessly at his leg while we are in grocery stores. Some days I tolerate it better than others. My poor husband however is so protective of his family and when people can't resist being blatantly rude, he lets them know about it. I smile on the inside to see him take such a loving place for my son. He didn't have to take Braden in 4 years ago, but he did without question. If every woman had a man like my husband, there would be no divorces. Everyone would be married to their soul mate. I love this man so very much. He works so hard and is such an inspiration. I am a very lucky wife and mother.

Journal Post 07/10/2014

What if there was no pain in the world? I ask myself these questions all too often. I wonder why God created pain? Is it to remind us of the gifts we have, I just don't know. What I do know is that there are so many different forms of pain, it is almost unrealistic. The pain that some people feel on a daily basis just breaks my heart. I wouldn't wish chronic pain on my worst enemy...OK well maybe my absolute worst enemy. In general however it is such a tragedy for someone to suffer on a daily basis with some sort of pain interrupting their days. We see a lot of patients at work who have some type of physical pain, but living with their unbearable pain causes them emotional pain. They have no idea how they are suppose to cope with their constant debilitating pain. Who could blame them? Can you imagine not being able to walk to your own mailbox because you had so much pain in your back and legs taking the ten steps is literally physically impossible? To rely on someone else for every little thing in life you use to do without batting an eye. It doesn't matter your age any type of pain is not fun, but I ask people to look at the glass half full, because it could always be worse. I have seen the worse and it is heart breaking. These individuals don't want to live anymore. They want to throw in the towel.

Journal Post 07/09/2014

What a terrible scare we had today. My son was playing in the yard and I was closely watching. Out of the corner of my peripheral vision I see something moving towards Braden. I quickly look over to focus my eyes on the object and realize I am staring at a small copperhead. Copperhead snakes are extremely venomous and popular in this area. Typically copperheads will not advance towards people unless they feel threatened or trapped. I don’t think his intention was to harm my son, but I wasn’t about to risk it. I grabbed my gardening spear and ran to the snake. My heart nearly exploded when the snake struck at me but it quickly turned and rerouted back towards the woods. I didn’t feel comfortable enough to get close enough to throw the spear at the snake. In my own fear that I would miss and irritate him further, so I retreated to Braden and scooped him up. I took him inside and interrogated him to make sure he had not been bit. Although I was almost certain he had not, the thought was still so real in my mind that if I hadn’t been watching the outcome could have been very grim. I don’t know what I would do without my son. I have asked myself that question a thousand times, just out of sheer fear of anything ever happening to him. I don’t know that I could live know it would be forever without him.

Journal Post 07/08/2014

This will be my frustration journal. I am so tired of working amongst a group of people who work harder to not work than to just work at all. I am absolutely sick and tired of my boss dumping every possible assignment on me and then reprimanding me because I have one hour of overtime. Things used to be different here, I used to love every single day I was able to come to work. Then my manager changed. At first I was excited because as much as I loved my boss, I thought it was time for a change. This new boss seemed like she had all her ducks in a row and was a bulldog for her team, and she is, but I never in my life have witnessed someone so two-faced in all my time working. This woman does not know how to delegate fairly, nor does she want to. I am her pawn in the game of life and she is absolutely ok with that. However I am not, I know I am in school to better myself, but right now my biggest motivation is to get out of the department I once loved so very much. I remember when I started here, there was a lot of work to be done and we were very much understaffed. I didn’t mind, in the blink of an eye I would work 16 hours to ensure that all the work was done for the following day. All I have left now of those days are memories. I hope one day, I can find another position much like the one I loved so very much six years ago.

Journal Post 07/07/2014

I am going to share something today that is somewhat disturbing and bothersome, but I want to express that I am not trying to offend anyone; I would just like to share a personal healthcare experience that happened. At the pain center, we see all sorts of people. Pain does not discriminate and neither do we. Well we have a particular male patient that openly admitted at his first visit that he is very excited by masturbating amongst crowds of people. Whether it is in a public place, grocery stores, gas stations, etc.; well, we did not ask for this information, nor were we interested in hearing about it. This bothers me because it is an act of sexual misconduct even talking to someone about that, who has not asked. He is telling us these things because it excites him to express it. The biggest problem I had is what he did in our bathroom, and what he blatantly left there for all of us to see. That is disgusting, rude and unacceptable, and that is exactly what I told him when dismissing him as a patient. I do not understand what possess people to act out in such a way. I think back on all my years in healthcare and cannot find a more disturbing incidence. The closest I could come to was thinking back about 6 years ago to a female patient that would tell us she had to see a Gastroenterologist because she was swallowing too much sperm. I mean, seriously, how disgusting do you have to be to be proud of that and share it with anyone without batting an eye? It is disturbing. Truly makes me wonder how many of these deviants live amongst us.

Journal Post 07/06/2014

Today is a day the Lord has made, and I will rejoice in it! What a gorgeous day it is; I love Summer months. Being able to spend time outdoors, getting in touch with nature and family is an experience I will always want to have. Watching Braden swing on his play set, while I pick weeds out of my flower bed is what I call an awesome day. Not thinking about work, school, or financial situation. Living only in the moment and loving every second of it. Writing in this journal gives me perspective, I am able to reflect on days past and days present and show myself a little reminder of how wonderful life truly is. I can’t help but think of others who have so little. It is painful to think there are people out there, without a home, a family or any belongings to call their own. Not even a toothbrush! Thinking about these things today as brought me to a conclusion, I would like to start volunteering when I can. I don’t have money to spare but on rare occasions I do have time, and some organizations need all the help they can get. I hope to show my son what the true meaning of life is. We are put here for a greater reason than our tendency in selfishness. I hope to inspire friends to help and to lend a hand where a hand is all that is needed. If we don’t help each other, who will?

Journal Post 07/05/2014

Well my Independence Day round number two begins this evening. This is only secondary to a very special occasion. Today is my Grandmother’s 74th birthday! What an inspiration this woman is. She was the oldest of seven siblings and she raised all of them alongside her mother, who for the most part was too busy taking care of homemaker chores and farm chores to pay much mind to the children. Their father did the best he could; he worked several jobs to support all eight children, but was rarely physically there for them. My Grandmother, despite all odds was able to continue her education past high school and at the age of 40 became a real estate agent. Her and my grandfather built their own little real-estate agency and they were modestly successful. Their kindness and generosity became their downfall, loaning money to friends and family in need. Reaching out to anyone who asked for help; the most devastating came from a gentleman who begged my grandparents to contract him for a large job of building a house. A significantly large amount of money was given to this individual to start the job and within two weeks and having no work done that money was lost. This man had blown every last dime he was given on gambling and then committed suicide. My grandparents ate every bit of the loss; it was a tragedy for all involved. All I ever heard them say about the ordeal was that they were so sorry for the family who lost someone dear to their hearts. That is a prime example of the way my grandparents live and lived their lives. My Grandpa passed away May 17th, 2010; it has been so hard on Nanny but she is so strong. She lives every day like it is a blessing. I hope to have her strength as I age and progress through life.